An Urgent Plea to Bank of America CEO Brian Moynihan
Brian.
Brian, Brian, Brian.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Are you backing down in the face of public pressure just because you managed to infuriate every single one of your customers by planning to charge them $5 dollars a month to use their debit cards because you said new regulation was squeezing your bank so tightly (which is to say “limiting the amount you were able to gouge merchants”) that you couldn’t even afford milk and bread anymore while at the same time announcing that you earned $6.2 billion in the Third Quarter alone? You craven fool! Now you’ve let them get their foot in the door they might start making more demands!
Idiot! What if they notice that you’re charging your poorest customers $12/month for the accounts while giving accounts for free to your richest customers?
Imbecile! What if they start noticing that you sometimes illegally break into your customers’ homes and throw away all their possessions, or have the locks changed on people who are up to date on their mortgages and are robo-signing foreclosure documents without doing any research to verify their claims and forging paperwork to back up your lies while leaving many properties you own neglected and rotting?
Cretin! What if they find out that you provide hundreds of millions of dollars to help fund “Payday Loan” Check Cashing businesses which prey on the poor and uneducated with their semi-legal usury?
Coward! Can you imagine what would happen if they learn you’re laying off 30,000 people in order to cut expenses while paying yourself $1.9 million last year and spending close to a billion dollars since the bailout lobbying the government?
Nitwit! They might discover that you actually used bailout funds as part of your political contributions to the very people who voted to give you the money, and have paid no federal taxes (like as in not a single penny) at all since the bailout?
Brian, if they figure all this out, they might cancel their accounts altogether! Unless you stop them from doing so because your customers are not allowed to be protesters!
BRIAN! BRIIIIIIIAN!!!!! Once they know that you’re willing to back down to public pressure, they might start trying to get you to pay attention to matters worth more than $5. And that could be BAD. REALLY BAD.
You must reinstitute the fee immediately. IMAGINE THE POSSIBLE CONSEQUENCES!
Yours, Dave
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